Snow: Get you some!

"Hey, guys! It snowed outside! I thought it wasn't going to snow until July, but look! Snow!" -Asshole

This person is an asshole.  This is New England, and in New England, it snows like it rains in Olde England.  Now, I know what you must be thinking; "Ethan, what if I did think for just a second that it might not snow at all this winter? Doesn't that make this snowfall that much more exciting for me?" No, it doesn't, and that puts you right up there with comical quotations #1.  However, instead of tossing you into the stupid pile without an explanation to your poor, inadequate fate I'm going to slowly and clearly explain why you're wrong.  When you first saw snow falling, did you collapse into a fit of joy?  When you heard on the news that there would be a storm that night, did you sacrifice yourself to Cthulhu?  When you woke up in the morning and saw that there was a coating of snow over the grimy, dirty back alleyway that you live in, did you don a business suit, smile, and bible and pledge that on that day you would start making the world a better place? No.  No you didn't, you treated it just like any other day.  You woke up, sighed on the inside, sat up, sighed on the outside, thought of the best way to put eggs and bread together in a way that would actually give it some taste, give up due to lazyness, and tried to spend as little time as possible interacting with other people.  Now, this is just a generalization to what I know, but I can assume that your day went pretty much the same as your day always goes.  Don't believe me? Think an extra free day changed your perception on what was happening around you into a world of rainbows and lollipops?  Well then, what did you do on leap day? Celebrate diversity? Smell flowers?  Go to school, go home, and go to bed?  That's right.

HEY YOU GUYS!

I honestly can't understand why we continue to be forced into the schooling system every morning. I am being woken up every weekday at seven to pack my lunch and get dressed and brush my teeth to go into the schooling facilities and watch The Goonies and chemistry movies. This is such a horrible way to waste a day, no, a whole WEEK of my life. For 7 hours every day, the Jr. class is made to sit here and waste away their lives instead of getting exercise or enjoying their lives. I honestly don't understand why the teachers need us here when my highest class consists of 4 people. But I haven't told the readers why this horrible thing came about yet.

You see, the seniors get out of school early because they're so wonderful in every way and are simply too god to stay in school with the rest of us. On top of that, the Jr. class had the option of going to New York for three days, and as I detest all big cities, especially New York, I, as well as the rest of the Juniors currently in school with me, are staying here in nearly empty classes.
So now, I'm sitting in a near empty classroom with the two idiots of the class behind me, watching some kids and their reactions to "two girls one cup" and I have to say that I am NOT a fan of waking up at 7 to go to school and blog with idiots next to me shouting about how funny something is or how many girls you could really have with that cup. Oh lord, I really wish that I was struck down by lightning as soon as possible so I can end this terrible cycle of waking up, watching movies for seven hours, and going back home.

Well, Here We Are (how dissapointing)

I'm sure you've all heard the song; Magaritaville. It's this Jimmy Buffet song where ho goes on about how drunk he is and all that jazz. If you haven't, simply direct yourself to the like above. Or below. Wherever the link I posted shows up. You can make it a game if you like, but one way or another, I need you to eventually come back to read this blog. But now we're moving back on the topic.

This magaritaville is a fantastic place, really. There are relationships formed over buckets, jello shots filling the fridge to make it look like it belonged in a rave, depressingly heart wrenching stories and frighteningly happy people telling them, but above it all, there are the pictures of your brother passed out on a chair downstairs with party hats and chips all over his face. Now, I'm going to focus on the depressing stories in order to include myself in this blog, because I know firsthand how great it is to suck people down to your own plane of existence, all the while feeling better and better about it. I don't know if the downers and I actually put Annie in the place we were looking for, but it certainly felt it. And let me tell you, it was an experience that I would not miss for...well, a lot of things. I'm not going to say that I wouldn't miss it for the world, since that would be an exaggeration and that would give you reader(s?) the idea that I tell fabrications when I blog about these things. But yes, I would rather not miss such an opportunity such as the one previously mentioned due to the feeling of greatness you get when you attempt to teach someone how much god really does hate you and your group of friends. Like, imagine there is a new race discovered that's been living underground. They have no war, no drugs or diseases. Think of an underground 1950s America without the communist threat. If they emerged one day and somehow found a way to speak to us, teaching them the ways of our would would be the funnest thing that I have ever done, and the reason of that is the reaction they're going to give. Most likely, they're going to tunnel back underground and never, ever come back up again, and I don't know why, but that would give me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing that we now have not only more people hating us, but an entire new RACE that avoids us. Think of the possibilities! But that most likely didn't help with your understanding of the subject and all this typing was for naught. But don't worry, there's always a new blog for you to try and wrap your tiny little mind around.

"Look at Me Being Better Than You"

So yeah, as some of you may or may not know, I am taking some life guarding classes, and for these classes there was a preliminary test of swimming 500 yards. If you know me, you also know what a lazy sack of shit I am and that there would be more of a chance that a string going simply on currents alone to make that test. But I did, and I had a period of grace. I was telling myself how good I was and how impressive the feat was, but of course, there are other members of the class that didn't take it when I did. These characters breezed on through this thing like they've been swimming all winter. By the way, that may have been a flaw on MY planning, since all winter I've done nothing but masterbate and gain weight. So these people just swim like fishes and hop on out of the water, and at that point in time me and the other lifeguard trainees were doing little jumping exercises while they were doing their laps and after all the newcomers were done doing whatever they do, they just hopped out and started up with the jumping and tugging and swimming. See, when I was finished with the pre-test I was sitting by the pool's edge vomiting up chlorine and the urine of children from family swim, and these guys are just coming on up out of the water, spic and span, ready for anything. This was a real kick in the teeth in terms of realizing how out of shape I am, and so now I have to work out at the high school with David and his gay butt buddies or whatever scum inhabites that area of the gym. Which stands for naked in Greek. Soooo... just a fun fact. Avoid the gym in Greece. But yeah. Hide your daughters and wives, because Ethan's going to be a shiny, muscular god amongst men. After about 3 months of training. But I most likley won't go through with it, so maybe just throw the wives and daughters under a cloth or something.

Wyatt and Why His Big Head Ruins Everything

Allright, let me set the scene for you. It's roughly 9:30 at night and the lights are dimmed. The children are asleep and I'm just finishing up on my Chem homework when I find that I have hunger pangs that are sticking like duct tape. I recall smelling the lazy scent of ramen noodels freshly boiled that my younger brother had made earlier in the day and decide that he had made a good choice in cheap knock-off Asian noodels. I head to the snack drawer and scuffle through the bottom row, hoping to find some stray packages, but to no avail. I thought to myself, "Simple! there must be others, for there is but one drawer that I have checked whilst there are many others!" I resort to the drawer above the one first examined and, alas! a package of the delicious MSG bundles, five individually wrapped delacacies, all enclosed by a mystical contain-all plastic wrap. "But wait," I said to myself, "this package is unusually altered from its expected form..." and I reached sheppishly for the once-savior of my night, only to realize that my feindish brother had consumed all the treasures in the package! I was outraged! Infuriated! How could he have the nerve to not only fuel his big head with MY food, but to also leave the remains to taunt me!? Well, let me tell you, reader, that revenge shall one day be mine and the top-heavy Wyatt shall one day fall like an egg of a wall. DOOM ON HIM AND HIS ABNORMALLY SIZED HEAD!

Coroline: fan-tastic

Let me tell you, I am not an easily impressed individual. For example, there could be a fire and you could run in and save a baby, but I would merely scoff at your ignorance as the baby would only lead to more competition for food in 2012. You could get yourself a gold star in spelling, you could win a fight, you could even have a baby, but none of these things would greatly impress me like I was when Coroline was finished. Maybe it was the amazing 3-D effects. It also could've been the aborably insane Russian man that lived in the second story and was always obsessing over his jumping mice circus and his beets that he claimed made you strong. (In Soviet Russia, beet eats YOU!) However, I'm pretty sure that it was the magical world that Coroline brought the audience and I into. When her mother moves into a shabby apartment to persue a career of writing for a gardening magazine, Coroline is pushed aside by the nose-to-the-grindstone parents and, as a consequence, stumbels upon a door that leads to a better than perfect world in which her parents have nothing but love and compassion for Coroline. Sounds pretty run of the mill, right? But as you know, the world isn't what it seems and the "other mother" wants Coroline to install some unwanted attachments to her face, which is where it gets pretty fucking crazy, involving in a praying-mantis attack from her "other father" and the "other mother" entraping her in a gigantic spiderweb, but I don't want to ruin this movie for you. Let me just say that it may be one of the best movies that I've seen for awile and will probably be, in my opinion, the best movie to come out this year, and that is something. AND, just for the record, Tim Burton DID NOT direct it, I'm pretty sure that the same animating company did the work on it. But either way, just forget about companies and prices of movies for a little while and PLEASE enjoy the movie to it's full potential and don't go with a biased opinion, no matter how many jack skellington sweaters you see littering the outskirts of the theater. The only greivance I could give about this movie is that there will most likley be those same "non-conformists" in a few weeks, flocking to Hot Topic >:( for their very own Coroline shirts and all that shit, but I am enjoying a fantastic thing before all the hype kicks in and I'm washed away in a wave of rage that will drive me to burn down all the Hot Topics in the area, just for the releiving screams coming from the souls trapped in their pits or pools or urns or whatever Hot Topic keeps their soul collection in.

Dimitri Martin

I am a huge fan of this damitri matrtin character and he's always made me laugh in his stand up bits, but I also was a big fan of carlos mencia, and we all know what happened when he got his show. That's right, you know what I'm talking about. Even the most hardcore fans couldn't ignore the ear-gouging annoyance that became mind of mencia. I only hope that the same fate doesn't befall damitri martin when he makes his show, although he seems like a person that would be very difficult to mass produce in a tv show, but I suppose that they could try with all their might. Maybe he'll come up with a catch phrase of his own (like "dee-dee-dee" for example) and use it in his tv show so much that every time you turn on your television you are bombarded with references and wish that he would just shut up and die already so you can pee on his grave. And no, the previous sentence has no relation to Mencia and his stupid little "money-maker" word and I would wonder why you thought such a thing.